Wednesday, September 23, 2009

On the wagon...

Boot camp has kicked my butt, whipped my a**, taken me down, left me lying... I'm not kidding. The first ten days, I was so sore I wanted to scream... so tired I struggled to get through the day and was still tired when I went back the next day. I've never been fatter, more out of shape or older (LOL) in my life! Mostly, I think it has been the out of shape issue. Though my state of soreness and exhaustion has given me cause to wonder if I'm not just too old for this stuff anymore.

Truth of the matter is that I know better. After twenty-five years of orthopaedic nursing, I know the value of working out. I saw first hand the difference between people who took responsibility for their bodies and those who didn't. And, for most of my life, I have done a fair job of managing some level of fitness... until the past three years.

I fell off the fitness wagon. Didn't want back on. Screw the wagon. You could say I didn't and haven't taken to aging all that gracefully. Hot flashes, wrinkles, sags, gray, grumpy. None of it good. I didn't like it. I was mad (more than angry, that sprinkled with a little irrational=mad). Then my child moved away... expecting my first grandchild. The wagon didn't look any better.

Sometimes, I would convince myself to give some half-a**ed effort... a beginner's yoga class... water aerobics at the YMCA (thought I was in Cocoon). Weak efforts... not really the wagon.

Finally, I'm ready to get back on... and I can't seem to get a grip on the tail of the wagon!! Monday morning, after a weekend of mostly lying on the couch, the alarm went off at 4 am and I cannot tell you how disheartening it was to wake up and still feel that sore and that tired. I should have been rested. I was not. But, I suited up and showed up. I pretty much had nothin' that morning. I did the best I could. Lots of times the just quit voice whispered in my ear... even through the day, long after the workout. I wasn't sure the wagon would ever be for me again.

Then the miracle Tuesday morning of waking up and feeling the difference... I was still sore... but, I could tell I was on my way back. I'm not sure how to describe that feeling... it is just that I could feel my body beginning to turn itself around... to begin to build again... to grow stronger. It has taken me way longer to feel myself coming back from this than I ever imagined. I took for granted that when I decided to get back in shape, my body would jump right to it... just like it always jumped to a new level for me in years past.

I still have a long way to go.

I am older. I did let myself go to the bottom of the pit. But, I have a toe-hold on the wagon... and, I'm not letting go.

A special thank you to my blogging friends who have encouraged me! I appreciate your support more than I can say! Here's to finding your wagon... and getting back on... whatever it may be!


Lauri said...

Go girl! You are doing it!! And I can somewhat relate because I've been off my own wagon for the past several years and just now trying to get back on (with a very slow start). So keep going and you'll be motivation for the rest of us! I'm proud of you!

Dana said...

Good for you! My core class is going well. I've gone two weeks in a row! But I have a long way to go. After returning to work I think I've already gained the few pounds I lost this summer. :-(

Amanda said...

You may have a toe-hold on the wagon today, but you'll be driving that wagon in no time! I need to get on the wagon, too. Could you say prayers that Alex will sleep through the night so that I can have more energy when it comes time to get back on the wagon?

Deb said...

Good for you!!!!keep ahold of that wagon....

California Girl said...

I have been struggling with this for eight years, ever since my first hip replacement. I gained weight, lost my conditioning, eventually stopped playing tennis four yrs ago when I had to get my other hip replaced. I am 25 lbs heavier than when I moved here in 1997. Then I was a size 6, in great shape and had no issues (at least I didn't know I was going to have issues). It's been very very depressing for me. I work out 2-3x p/w, sometimes more, but it's hard to get to the gym during lunch and I'm always too tired in the evening. I had lost 11 lbs earlier this year but it's slowly creeping back. I should not drink alcohol as it adds to the weight gain but that is my escape as it were. A wino. Your post is supportive and honest.

Tanna said...

Lauri, Dana, Amanda, and Deb: Thank you SO VERY MUCH for the encouragement! Ya'll rock! It is getting better... not much, but some!!! YEA!

CG: I feel lots of your pain! I don't know how a person drifts so easily from size 6 to NOT size six. But, it happens. I think when you have been fit most of your life... it really sucks to recognize how far down into the pit you get. You KNOW the difference. The difference between feeling good, stong and energetic... and not. It IS very, very depressing. And, wine is not really my escape... food is. But, I see your point; it is hard to give up one of the few pleasures/escapes we have. Haven't had to have any joint replacements. Helped do lots. It is a big surgery and you are so young. I do know that they last longer, do better with exercise/conditioning. But, I know you know that, too. You are doing GREAT to work out every week! Hang in there! They tell me nutrition is 70% of the deal. Bummer. Butter and desserts are nowhere on their list of good foods. Bummer. And, alcohol is not on their list of good foods, either. Bummer again. I do hope to enjoy feeling fit again. I don't think it is going to look the same as it used to... but, it has to look better than this! LOL! Thanks for sharing your story, too.

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Numbers 6:24-26

The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.