Friday, July 13, 2012

"The most beautiful people we know are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.  These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.  Beautiful people do not just happen." ~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Last week my leg became infected at the site of one of the lymph nodes I'd had removed on April 20, 2012.  Now, you wouldn't think it would flare into an infection this late in the game.  I'd had some trouble with that one... clip on a nerve... had to go back in and remove the clips that were staying the flow of the serous lymph fluid.  Hence, a seroma (fluid filled "tumor").  The lump was about the size of a small hen's egg (for you farm people, a pullet's egg).  It really didn't bother me too much.  Then, over the prior weekend it started getting bigger.  And, on Tuesday when I got in the shower, I noticed that the upper part of my thigh was swollen and red.  I called and went in to see the doctor who drained a good bit of the fluid and put me on antibiotics for ten days.  There seemed to be a bit of fluid still in there to me and later I had what I refer to as the "Roodle Cure". 

Over the weekend, we flew to share Alex's 3rd birthday.  It was a great pleasure to share that time with him.  And, Little Roo (Andrew, one year old) made a big jump on his Noni's "lump".  I am pretty sure he broke the rest of that fluid free.  At any rate, I got the "Roodle Cure" and today I can report that it is almost completely resolved.

Point of this story being.... sometimes we have wounds that never seem to completely heal.  They lie dormant waiting for a moment to flare back up again.  This one did because there was fluid just sitting there... walled away from a blood supply that could offer healing from my own body.   It needed to be drained, opened up, released.  I think feelings can be the same way.  I felt relief yesterday when I wrote those words... and, I felt shame.  Shame that with so much for which to be grateful, I still whine about my sorrow.  I look around myself and I see so many others with much heavier burdens.  My children and grandchildren are healthy and my step-son-in-law, though still suffering through chemo, is responding well to treatment.  I have a loving husband.  We have income.  I want to shake myself out of it; kick myself in the butt; just get over it; move on; accept... that there are relationships that may never be whole.  I do not mean to be coy or secretive... but, these stories are not mine alone.

I believe every family shares a thread of some kind of trouble and pain.  I read the quote by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and I recognize by your comments that I am surrounded by beautiful people.  Each comment, each beautiful person sharing their compassion, released tears that slid quitely down my face... each one released some of the pent up hurt.  No doubt, some of these wounds have drained.  I'm not sure when I will find my way out of these depths.  I've tried many times.  I wish I could do better.  Know that your prayers were felt... and appreciated... and I believe that they are answered... in God's time. 

thank you from the bottom of my heart ~ tanna

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Numbers 6:24-26

The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.