Thursday, July 12, 2012

Resurfacing...


"Have you noticed that an angry man can only get so far... until he reconciles the way he thinks things ought to be with the way they are..."  ~ My Thanksgiving by Don Henley, Stan Lynch, Jal Winding

"To want what I have and take what I'm given with grace... for this I pray..."  ~ For My Wedding  by Larry John McNally

Seems the elation and the sense of life and freedom one gains after learning the cancer will not claim their life dissipates after awhile... and the old concerns settle themselves back into your bones once more.  I know about "letting go" about "moving on"...  all the cliched terms and tactics for living a happy life... things I have learned well; but, how does one let go when it is your children?  Pray, tell me how.  How do you reconcile yourself to how things are without giving up hope... without giving up them?

The sorrow that has settled in my soul distances me from God.  From my Beloved.  From myself.  I want to be free of it... but, I cannot take flight.  I cannot take flight.

 

37 comments:

Donna said...

Oh, Tanna. Sweet Tanna. I have no answers. But I do believe that this is NOT God's doing. We live in this fallen world full of pain. God sorrows with us and stands closest to us when we are so hurt we can't seem to remember Him or ourselves. I have no answers. Only that belief and for now I will believe for both of us. I will besiege heaven with prayers on your behalf. Prayers for strength and peace and the light only you can shine in this place at this time. I will pray.
If there is anything else I can do from this far away let me know. donna.longshot@yahoo
You are loved...greatly loved.

From the Kitchen said...

Sending you prayers for help, hope and resolution. I hate hearing that your heart is troubled.

Best,
Bonnie

Tammy@T's Daily Treasures said...

Dear Tanna, I am sorry to hear you are in such turmoil. Don't hold it in! Releasing all those negative emotions to the world is one way to take flight. Sending hugs and blessings, Tammy

Julie Harward said...

Catching up with you, I hope I have not missed some bad news here?! Cancer is awful, I had two brothers pass away with it, one was 53 and the other would have been 50 the day of his funeral...I still miss them so much.God be with you and make your heart strong.
I loved your owl posts and that cute little guy with the owl hat on. Sending you my love. ;)

Kim @ Savvy Southern Style said...

Tanna, I hate that you are hurting. I hope you will find the strength and peace that you need.

Vickie said...

Tanna, I've been kind of MIA in blogland from time to time... I don't know what's going on but I can sense a troubled and hurting spirit in you. I know that feeling and it's a terrible and terrifying emotion that makes it hard to get through one's day. I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I'm praying for you right now for release from this, for strength to rely on God and give your burden to Him, and for the peace that passes all understanding. ~~Hugs~~~

steph said...

sending you prayers and strength my friend.

TexWisGirl said...

oh, sweetheart. this was so open and raw, i feel your pain. i don't know what is going on with yours, but i pray it will get easier!

Stephanie V said...

I wish you peace, Tanna.

It's Just Dottie said...

Oh! Tanna,
I feel your pain and you have been on my mine. I am learning to take one day at a time and that is not easy,my friend.I am trying to stop living in the past... and to be happy.

Your friend, Dottie

Tanja said...

Tanna my dear, it is so in our life: a lot what happens is not comprehend for us.
And i believe only if you try to look for your very own way ( it must not be like someone else already done) you go through. May be someone helps experience of strangers , but it is not a rule for everyone. Make your way, but take help from hearts, which love you.
To be strong means not at all to be closed . But to take the help it is also not easy, not in such situation. I know it. I believe in you and i try to help you what ever it is.

Deb said...

Sending you hugs Tanna...hoping you will feel more at piece soon....

Dana said...

Sending love and hugs your way. Praying for peace and for reconciliation. I'm so sorry you are hurting.

Kelly said...

Is one of your children sick? I'm so sorry! I wish I had words of wisdom to give you, but I don't have experience of that nature to speak from. I hope that you will be able to find some comfort in your family during this time and some resolution will come soon.

Along A Widowed Road said...

Tanna,
I drop by your blog at least 1x a week usually to see your gorgeous pictures of you utilizing your talents with knitting. I brag about you too even though I don't know of you personally. I share, "I know a talented knitter where I read her blog". Today looks like it's not a day to brag but offer up some hope, smiles, faith on whatever your going through and I'm sensing it has something to do with one of your own.
I shared with another blogger yesterday that we are given at times challenges. The challenges, struggles, hurts are put in front of us to see what we are made of. Whether it's you the reciever or your on the side lines trying to remain optomistic, go in faith to GOD. Ask him to give you a abundence of FAITH. It's amazing to see after you have been through a ordeal and you don't hold on to the hurt and pain how you reflect back and journal where you end up, especially for those that your praying for who are in pain.
God bless you and yours!
Viola

Jill from Killeny Glen said...

Tanna, stopping by to visit and so sad to hear of this deep pain you are experiencing. Thank you for sharing it...sometimes I think we are all a bit to SHINY in our portrayal of ourselves.

I am lifting you and YOURS up in prayer and please know this as we know God hears each and every prayer.

Tricia @ saving room for dessert said...

I am praying for your peace Tanna. I feel there is something I don't understand here but I do know some of what you have been up against this past year. Are your son, daughter and little men ok? I hate to see you in pain. Praying ....

Janette@Janette's Sage said...

I just listened to that song by Don Henly yesterday.

Oh yes you can...the mother eagle pushing her eaglet by starting to take the fluff out of her nest so it is so uncomfortable that they will take flight and leave the nest! This is for their survival!! God is there to watch you have the courage to take flight...fly beautiful lady...we are all watching and praying for you...take flight!!!

Haven't we all been there on some level and will be again....cheering you on from the ground...the solid rock...like the tree I posted without any soil!!
Hugs

Cheryl @ The Farmer's Daughter said...

Dear Tanna, I'm sorry you're so troubled right now. I can feel the pain through your words. I read the first poster, Donna's comment and I couldn't say it any better. I will pray for you. (((Hugs)))

podso said...

I am sorry for your hurting heart. It's hard to live with the pain of sorrow and unknown every day. Hugs.

Judy S. said...

Sending lots of love, hugs, and positive thoughts your way, Tanna. I hope tomorrow will be a brighter day. Till then, take care.

Shug said...

Hi Tanna...
As I read your post, I realized that my dear friend (you) needs our prayers to recapture the joy of living...
Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.
Psalm 55:22
We cannot be victorious on our own...and God does not expect us to fight the battles on our own either..Open your heart and release your burdens to the Lord...
I am standing in the gap, praying for your peace and your joy to be restored!
Big hugs.

Lauri said...

Prayers and hugs, Tanna.

I feel like I can relate, despite not knowing exactly what your situation is. I think you've read on my blog about our situation, and I continue to vascilate between extreme anger and desperate sadness. My heart is broken due to the rift in our family, and there's just nothing I can do to fix it.

Here's praying and hoping that we can "let go and let God."

jean said...

Tanna,
I love what Donna wrote. She put it so eloquently. My heart aches for you. Our children can be our greatest joy and biggest heartache. Know that yours friends are praying even when you can't. Sending you a hug.

Wanda said...

Oh dear Tanna ~ Nothing is more heartbreaking than the paid of a loveone...a child, we have given birth to, loved and cherished.

Without knowing your circumstance, Tanna, please know I'm crying out to Abba Father to hold you on his lap, and stroke your hair as you lay your tired and broken heart against his breast. Oh God, touch Tanna right now, and bring her comfort, you have surrounded her with the love of friends on this blog...hear all our prayers we pray in the name of Jesus... Amen
Tanna, I hold you in my thoughts, heart and prayers.

Chatty Crone said...

Tanna - I am feeling shocked here - I have been so busy - and I am so late in reading posts - I am so sorry - your heart is heavy - I will be praying. Love, sandie

Katherine said...

I'm so sorry to hear you are hurting so much Tanna! I'm so sorry! Just remember God is waiting for you to give this to him- just waiting with arms wide open, waiting to answer your prayers, waiting to give you peace and comfort. Praying for you Tanna!
Hugs!

Pondside said...

I believe that every loving mother who reads this post will know something about your pain. I will hold you and yours in prayer as you go through this time.

Jen Price said...

Praying for you and your family, Tanna.

Debbie said...

I'm sorry, dear one. I don't know what your situation is, but I've had the very same feelings in regard to two of my children. Hope is not lost, I promise you. The only scripture I rested on was this: But I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I committed unto Him against that day. (II Timothy 1:12) Many times, the only prayer I could pray was this - God, I know you and you know me, and you know ____, and IknowthatIknowthatIknow You are God Most Sovereign and Holy and I believe that YOU are able to KEEP _____ who I commit to YOU until the day of their _____ (salvation, reconciliation, restoration, healing...). God, I will not worry because they are in Your Great Hands where I have placed them. Do what YOU will to restore them because of Your great love for them.
Maybe that can be your prayer, too. My heart breaks with yours.
Praise God for your healing. XOXO

Debbie said...

I love the scripture that Shug posted, and I nodded my head in agreement to so many of the comments that you received.

You gave expression to what I believe is the most resounding fear or reality of the believer. I sat here for a while and tried to think of something to say. I generally revisit that same notion that somehow I will have the right words when I need them. Over and over, I come up short.

I will be very specifically lifting you in my prayers. I prayed for you with the cancer of the physical sort, and I will lift this spiritual and emotional malignancy cancer to the One who knows all of the details knows exactly what to do.

I really and truly care.
Please know that.

Betsy Brock said...

love you, tanna....and pray that you'll feel God's peace fill your heart. xo

Amanda said...

I keep wondering what reconciliation looks like. For all of us. Moving toward? Moving apart? Breaks my heart. I do know this much. You ARE LOVED. =) Love you BIG! xoxo

PS - You did not tell me that the Roodle dished out a cure! Oh my goodness. I cringed when I read that he put a jump on the lump. Glad that the outcome of that was, um, positive?

Stitchy Mc Floss said...

((hugs))
I wish I had the answer, but I don't. I only know that when times get really hard, I mean, so hard the rubber won't even grip the road kind of thing, all you can do is get on your knees with your face to the ground and call upon Him. Tell Him how you feel, even if you are mad at Him. He already knows, but maybe He needs to hear it from you.
He knows your heart, and He knows the greater picture that you nor I can not see. Place your trust in Him, even when the storms try to wash you away, stand...trust, believe...He loves you and only wants the best for you.

Ok, I'll get off my soap box now...but when God moves your heart to say something...well, you just gotta say it.

((hugs)) to you and prayers are being said for you as well. :)

Catherine said...

Dear Tanna, You are being too hard on yourself. You are a mother and that does not change.
You are blessed to be free from cancer but and you have changed and do have a new lease on life with a different outlook but you will never stop being a mother.
My dad used to say if I see something that I think you are doing wrong I am going to say it, not stand and watch you.
As a mother myself I think that is good advice. I try to be as gentle as I may, but I still say it.
Blessings my dearest. Catherine xo

vicki said...

Tanna- don't beat yourself up over this-- I believe our tendency to be complacent is only human. I think we all make such promises-- only to find ourselves back sliding a bit when we begin to feel more comfortable.

You've been in a scary place and the weight of that is all consuming. Trust in your prayers-- I'm keeping you in mine-
Love
Vicki

Pat @ Mille Fiori Favoriti said...

Hi Tanna

Life has been keeping me busy and I'm sorry to see so late that you've been going through a difficult time. I think as parents we always wish we could solve our children';s problems and amke theri pain go away, but unfortunately that isn't possible. All we can do is be there as much as possible for them when they need us.

I hope brighter days and happiness will be yours soon and whatever is troubling your heart will be resolved in a good way! Prayer helps and I am praying for you!

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